"Risk"? Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? Unless of great importance or a family-related event, we rarely attended the same social event together with our husband.. Jul 20, 2016, 1:53 AM. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. mortality is outrageously high and t There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. Yet we make as felicitous a stepfamily as you are likely to find. Mrs. Gulzar who was 36 years first wife told as she came to know her husband has a hidden marriage with Miss Nasreen. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. She was very much disturbed and afraid of losing her husband. Mrs. Ahmad was a second wife and it was a love marriage. I allowed and agreed to my husbands request for a co-wife to have more children. She also claimed that love with time is declined and she preferred to accept co-wife rather divorce to safe their marriage and secure her daughters future. When your friends talk about Christmas and having the whole family there togetheryoure over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. She told, "I used to cry in isolation". But Professor Maphalala says although each family has its own way of doing things, its usually the husband who decides how the children should be disciplined. Mrs. Arslan was the first wife of her husband. "Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives - they were twins," she recalls. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. Azad Chaiwala, CEO and founder of the Second Wife and Polygamy marriage websites. But Im his last.. For example, many people view second wives as cheating, homewreckers, and gold diggers. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Her husband got married to Miss Sobia who was the 2nd wife and it was again a love marriage. Khazuyeva also has two parking spaces in an apartment building on Moscow's Mosfilmovskaya Street. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. Second marriages also have a much larger cast of characters than any first marriage. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. According to Mrs. Abdullah (3rd wife: Amina), she and other wives are living in the same home and got along well. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. If that doesnt work then they go to the husband and present their cases, and the husbands role is to restore peace. Children can complicate matters further as each mother might feel the maternal pull to protect her own offspring more than the children of the other wives. Disadvantages (Demerits) Of Polygamous Marriage 1. 'I don't care about anything. You feel stuck and feel as if you do not belong where you are. Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. She was a nurse and divorce. The historic context was that men often died in battle . She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. He says he isnt much of a speaker. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didn't quite open, he is. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. A couple of years after her mother's death, Deschamps' father remarried in an LDS Temple and was sealed to his second wife. Polygamy is often based on traditional cultural practices or religious beliefs. Theyd been happily married for 15 years when she received the shock of her life. As when co-wives share their domestic chores, and other responsibilities of the family they become less possessive with time about their partners. The co-wives were approached from their homes. Brigham Young and His Wives. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. The applicant argued that the second woman's marriage was invalid because she, the first wife, had not consented to it: a notion upheld by the North Gauteng High Court. Unfortunately, those stereotypes are not accurate. Normally the husband stays in the main house and then the wives have their own homes outside, Lillian explains. She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. Can expand your gene pool. The current study provides preliminary data on women in polygamous marriages and the foundation for further research. I knew society is very cruel and it would be very tough for me to bring up them without father." Miss Nadia was the second wife of Mr. Imam. Table 1: Frequency of co-wives for infertility, only female children, love marriage and family pressure as reasons of polygamous marriages (n=11). READ MORE:Surviving a polygamous marriage. Cecilia says her husband married a second wife purely for his own physical desires and greed. 2 Meet other future spouses. Rahmanian P, Munawar K, Mukhtar F, Choudhry FR. Her in-laws forced her husband to marry another female because of only female children. Their mean age was 33.83 ranging from 18-50 years. Some second wives may have unknowingly become #2 and had thought they were in monogamy, until the husband plucks up the courage to reveal they have . For Lillian Makhubalo* it was like a blow to the heart. In rare cases, men have carried on double lives, marrying two women and supporting two families, with neither wife knowing about the other. Archives of Women's Mental Health. Over breakfast her husband told her something that would make any woman choke on her toast: he wanted to take a second wife. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. Kadyrov's second wife also has a place to stay in Moscow, with three apartments registered in her name. We have an ordinary life. The appropriate strategies which are purposefully working by co-wives must be enhanced with proper education and implement programmers that teach coping mechanisms and stress management. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. During the analysis, three major themes were identified; (1) reasons for polygamous marriages (2) Relationship with co-wives/ consequences of polygamous marriage, and (3) strategies to cope with the co-wifes relationship. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. Because polygamy is typically condoned only in specific regions, it may be difficult to meet other willing participants to enter a polygamous union. Thats irresponsible. Evelyn, who has a four-year-old son, now works as a waitress to help her mother with the legal fees for her divorce. Current findings are in line in terms of infertile women who accepted co-wives rather than divorce but those having children never bother to admit or respect co-wives as one of female told she is living in a separate home. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad could never keep a job, so she supported us. Concept of one soulmate for everyone is flawed anyway. Family Process. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". Following subthemes were included in these main theme categories. What kind of man has three wives and no job? I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. Bigger families imply more connections. For the majority of these women, infertility, love marriage by husband, lack of social and financial support, and fear of divorce were the cited reasons for allowing co-wives in their marriage. Challenges of Polygamy Partiality of husbands: this is where. Ashraf story mirrors that of 25% of Egyptian husbands who, according to statistics provided by the National Centre for Sociological and Criminological Research (NCSCR), take on a second wife within three years of their marriage. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Mrs. Mustafa was another 1st wife. Mediterranean Journal of Social Sciences. But it's a hoax that has hit at least four countries to date . His actions went against the traditional practice of asking for her permission and mediating until a solution is found, but legally he was within his rights. Bigamy occurs when one man illegally marries more than one woman. Eleven women participated in the study. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). She told her a tragic story. Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. The study findings may be inconsistent with the previous one except for the religious factor due to cultural differences. Could be many factors, but since a person in the marriage has already gone through a divorce, the option seems available and not as scary. The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. Data collection from the participants may have been affected by differences in age, years, and rank in marriage, educational level, and religious faiths. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. You feel the need to establish more control over the decisions of your partner. Then there are the kids. But thats not how it works out for everyone. International Journal of Mental Health. A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. One of the misconceptions about being someone's second wife is that you'll have no choice but to have a low-key courthouse wedding with minimal fanfare, and that the ghosts of weddings past will linger. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! Both babies were through cesarean. To seek the coping strategies to accept the new relationship by co-wives. I was so impressed., READ MORE:Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. Polygamy as sort of status symbol. Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. But the current qualitative study is an attempt to fill the gaps that are left unexposed by survey-based or quantitative research and particularly to explore the positive consequences of polygamy and coping strategies which the polygamous women used to deal with co-wives relationships other than causes and disadvantages of co-wives. So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? Literature indicates that the structure of the polygamous women's families badly affected the psychological and social functioning of polygamous women and children [9-11]. Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. "If it's mostly. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. She explained" in the beginning, my husband ignored me and my daughters and reduces the monthly income for my children. In this concern two research experts (co-authors) were consulted. Most Muslims do not practice polygamy. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. I couldn't sleep properly, I was crying.'. According to Ali Kurbanov, a 27-year-old practicing Muslim who is also looking for a second wife, it is difficult for a woman to agree to her husband's second marriage, however, if a woman. She said, "1st wife of my husband is working so 2nd wife of my husband and I used to manage the household chores. 2002; 32(1-2): 58-66. Your spouse has lost their first wife either to divorce or death, both of which bring immense, albeit very different, pain and coping mechanisms. She should approach him first and address the issue, Maphalala suggests. Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. But it was a happy marriage for her with 2 children (one boy and one girl). So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Even if children are more or less accepting, the ex more than likely wont be ok with the new person in their childs life. It stayed almost one year that we hide our relation to his first his wife, because he told me, that he want to inform his wife, when he will be in front of her, since that she was in her home country and it . Incidentally, polygamy is illegal for non-Muslims according to Federal law but is allowed for Muslim men under Sharia Law. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). She told that She was like a witch, spoiled my whole family. Lower risk that people get bored in a marriage. They often include not-so-subtle warnings about what's to come, designed to keep you strong and united in the face of conflict, change, hardship, kids. Love marriage: Love marriage is a very common reason for co-wives [13]. Jealousy: Jealousy is a common response to protect ones relationship [14]. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. She was in severe depression after this trauma. But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . Christianity condemns polygamy as an offence against the dignity of marriage, insisting that conjugal love between a man and wife must be mutual and unreserved, undivided and exclusive. She described that she was completely alone with her daughters after her husband's second marriage. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. So, I was second selection of my in-laws." She said that she and her husband was working in the same organization. "I'm in a traditionalist polygamist relationship. As she had a new born she told when she was admitted to the hospital 1st wife of her husband prepared and brought food for her from the home. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. She always imposes a fine of 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (around $1,700) and six strikes of a cane. Thamsanqa clears his throat and holds his wifes hand as he tells us that after being married for 15 years, he knew he needed a second wife. What Is Marriage Coaching? Mrs. Kamal also has a good relationship with her co-wife. It was hell for my mom and me afterwards, Evelyn says. 2020; 24: 339351. Since that we gave importance, care and love toward each other, i accept his proposal. Provide the three areas that were Islamized. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at one time but the condition is to maintain equality and Justice in all the possession whatever a man holds in material means [1]. 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Ethnology. Khattak AK. My husband has two wives . Data collection was not collected scientific way because of qualitative study and the findings cannot be generalized beyond the women in this study [24,25]. The sharia, Islamic family laws, and international human rights law: Examining the theory and practice of polygamy and talaq. Now she was not ready for 3rd. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. What's popular and why. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. I would never accept polygamy unless my husband decides to divorce me to marry a second wife. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . 2006; 35(1), 46-61. The majority of Muslims have accepted official polygamy. Her ex-husband died. Too many people are dying because of the conflict between monogamy and polygamy. The first theme was generated from the verbatim of the first question which was asked to polygamous women. In many societies the concept of polygamy is frowned upon because it goes against the Western idea of loving, honouring and obeying one person until death do you part. But in Pakistan and Iran, only consent is required from the first wife and need to show it in the court as proof for the second wife. I was 14 when mom and dad told us Mam Thembi would be our second mother. 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? Polygamy is the general, gender-neutral term for any marriage between three or more people.Polygyny is a specific term used to describe a marriage that includes one husband and at least two wives. The findings were consistent may be due to cultural and religious resemblance because Al-Krenawi and his colleagues conducted their study in Arab states. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. It could have been the man's problem too. By marrying uBaba Ive not only gained an amazing husband and beautiful children Ive also gained a sister I wouldnt otherwise have had. If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. Remember, in a normal setup the wives are not enemies nor are they in competition, Maphalala points out. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. I don't care about the feelings of his first wife, his first . Saravanan S. Female infanticide in India: A review of the literature. She said, "We both share the housework and I always take care of her children". The questions were translated into English according to the needs of international journal. It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. It's like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. The surprise is this: when the moment comes, the man jumps with alacrity. 2014; 5(27): 1058-1058. For Aneesa Azeez, a 23-year-old Muslim convert and college graduate, her husband's . The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. An in-depth interview technique was used with probing questions to get the perception from polygamous women about their life experiences, reasons behind polygamous marriage, and what strategies were used by co-wives to deal with such relationships. Al-Sharfi M, Pfeffer K, Miller KA. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. The first author analyzed the transcripts line by line, which was read repeatedly and thematically analyzed for their contents.

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